the world according to me

I have this problem: I save texts. I am a text-saving fiend. My inbox is so very full of texts that I am constantly having to clear out other parts of my memory card just to make room for new ones. Thanks a lot guys, your texts are too clever/sweet/funny/noteworthy that I just can't bring myself to erase them. So I decided, what better place to save all of them than the internet, where everyone can appreciate them? I know, I know, totally brill. I thought so too. only problem is, I never save my responses...oh well. most of them are guess-able anyway. Or I tried to fill in what i may have said with []'s.

I'll use initials to help me remember who said what without potentially embarrassing the texter.

PA:

-Betsy I'm in a flirty mood. and guess what! I think you're pretty.

-How are you beautiful?

-Yeah girl I'm so excited. And I have no idea when. It would be cool if you came to visit. I would love to see you in person again. haha

-lol. or you could just come up here and visit. We can cuddle

-yeah yeah. i'm totally down. but i still love you

-Oh well. you'll make it. i have faith that you will be able to put up with a bunch of bicurious girls for another 3 or 4 months

-Hey I was just thinking about you. and you have no idea how much my experience in austin changed me and i had so much fun and i'm so glad you're in my life

-Hello there beautiful spirit! I hope all is well in your life

-Hello betsy I do miss you

-Hey punkface. How are you doing love?

(little)BH:

-I wish I was singing with my boyz...wait no I don't

-donde esta el plano de plan

-ok sweet bayhas see you then

-its a wiimocracy not a wiitatorship

-ok thanks -3

-It was supposed to be a heart. I don't have those sideways arrows on my phone

-Ya donde relaxar que a mi

-que esta a la manana?

[what?]

-like, when are we hanging out

- -3

-Aww i missed betsy hugs :)

-well im going to sleep good night besty :) -3

CMH: (expect a TON from this one, ha)

-Uh super sketch thing just happened. why betsy why do we attract creepers

-Haha nice uhh creeper guys in a car followed me for a while

-Yeah. They had tried to get my attention but i was sort of like meh you're not that cute so i drove a little faster and they followed me like into residential

-I know. they eventually left me alone but it freaked me out

-yeah. gah lets fast forward to the part when we're stay-at-home wives and neighbors

-dear betsy why am I such a stalker love CH

-dear betsy. it was nice being your friend while I was alive

-dear betsy i'm gone apparently and i thought i should inform you. but hopefully youre asleep so shhi

-i love you too :)

-i think i just mindfucked a coworker

-we texted andrew from an unknown phone it was amazing

-yeah steve susana's future husband wrote it it was something about a cockmuncher

-i miss you so much. please be here nao

-andrew, james and jason just talked about gay sex. really? really

-ha win times always haha

-i know plus he probably wouldn't even date me if he stayed. why buy the cow when you can get the milk free right?

-but he doesn't realize that if he bought it he'd get cheese and ice cream too

-fuck he could rent it. i don't want an engagement ring

-I like the way you think

-do you like mike and ikes

-i know god its been like 36 hours? and i have no clue whats going on with you other than the smelly cigar and whatnot

-<:X>

-it was a kiss on my phone

-wtf how odd

-ha dear Quest. the shortbus is here for you

-There is a saint hedwig texas? saint hedwig?

-he was sainted. an owl?

-i mean i know he gave his life for harry but there is no saint sirius or severus. dude those both end in us. twins. ok i'm done

-i know. well i think there might be a st fred. idk. i'll look into it

-Official decree. Boys MUST respond in a timely manner to texts inquiring about their activities for that night

-woah i look ridiculously foxy today. wish i was there getting ready for the party with you

-oh so jealous. my waiter couldn't pay attention to my order haha. i love you! have fun

-being fabulous what else

-god i hope there are cute geeky boys at the apple store today. with the way i'm dressed i'll get leopard free

-ball

-omg i'm going to a wine party. let's drunk dial tonight

-fuck i dropped my phone

-boo you should be here

-haha love you t death

-wine and awkwardness hmm

-i loooove you. i miss you. you are beautiful

-i'm really bored. like to the point that when my coworkers walked by my desk i would make animal noises & pretend like i didn't. hope you are having a good day

-i love you too. but fml guess what happened. i was like 5 seconds from getting the suspender belt. but it sold out again

-i know! oh well. in time.

-cute guy helping me find shoes and another really stoned guy trying to help too

-ha omg betsey johnson shoes too. he gave me his card in case i want this one pair of shoes

[me: was he straight?]

-yeah. pretty positive

-cute boys, by themselves, at the breaking dawn thing. gay you think?

-i just encountered a woman talking about how she wants obama shot and hopes he gets killed if they vote him president

-me too. fuck stupid girl who hasn't read BD is arguing about it with me. and now totally bashing mormons and the series in general. i'm like go die

-i know. and i'm like if you hate the series why are you reading it? also we haven't spoken in four years why are you talking to me?

-i know. dude i need an adventure

-damn. also. i want to smoke tonight. for my adventure. but there is noone around here for that

-gah trade you since i think we both have better resources to achieve the other's

-oh dear. i miss you

-i'm going to buy the shoes. and try to get a date. fuck how do you even do that? double fuck what if he has a girlfriend?

-yeah. but do i ask him? gah he's not on fb

-yeah. well i was going to do the your girfriend is lucky blah blah thing. oh god what if he's gay

-pretty good i thought. plus ha uhm. woah cleavage that day and he was like the first person to run over to help.

-ha i knew i could count on betsy on a sunday to help me with boys. cause she will have them with her. haha

-ok i called him to have him put them on hold for me. he remembers me and everything but when i said i was coming in for them he was just kind of normal

-dear betsy. i should pay more attention i fail at life

-i totally just texted zach thinking it was you. said some things i thought were to you ha. yeah.

-ha no embarassment to the millionth degree

-ha oh god i feel so awkward now haha

-ha i'm sure he did. have fun. hopefully by the next time i see you my face won't be fire engine red anymore but i doubt it

-fuck my life. what's austin like and is that where you are going cause for serious this long distance relationship is taking a toll on me

{from an unknown phone} -omg love in this club acoustic indie version at an open mic night. miss you

[me: wait, who is this?]

} -fuck me who else? the love of your life

} -seriously?

-there's an awkward guy trying to hit on me right now. guess the name. ben

-my mom is being like. super cheerful like happy and like let me bake you brownies and bring you water cheerful. i'm a little worried

-yay fuck i miss you guys

{from AIM}-aw;rnha

}-aewha

-please stop me from being a ho

-it's still [the same boy as last time] no worries

-no just contemplating bad texts and pretending it was an accident they were sent to him. hard to explain

-Omg this girl helping me at PB loco is like sobbing

-idk idk what to do

-fuck betsy i am not allowed to spend money on clothes anymore

-yeah uhm red and black houndstooth skirt from express. and now i'm like critically late fuck

-i love you and i miss you and i promise itll be okay and i'll come visit even more. and itll be better

-idk how i got along for nearly 18 years without you

[me: did you hear we're on our college's course catalog this year?]

-no i almost pissed myself with glee when i heard mahaha

[me: oh and everyone hates us because we're both transferring]

-ha oh please we're like rockstars everyone hates us because they arent cool or hot or amazing enough to be like us.

-ha i love you and us

-dear betsy fuck my life love me

-iloveyoutoo. miss you too much right now. please be here nao

-like i just hate everyone right now because they aren't you

-aww i have a confession. you k now how we talked about how when you like a boy and ou see his name and you get a jolt and are happy. that happens to me with you.

-yeah. me too. always and forever bffaeaeaeaeaeaetoinfinityandtwelve

-ha. so i havent renamed people in my phonebook to make it easier to get to you ha. fuck genetics for making us straight

-i just wanted to inform you that i just rickrolld myself

-fuck fuck

-cute boy who is nice has good music is funny and loves airplane buddies is in my philosophy class. why are you not here to help me flirt with him? haha

-omg doors hes playing doors. fuck, betsy

-it just thundered so hard the house shook and i lost the call

-hail betsy. hail. omg

-omg i want you here i wanna snuggle up in bed and talk with someone

- do you have a flag? le chat est sur la table. cake or death?

-yeah so susana and i are dancing in the rain. even better we aren't in the student section so a bunch of old people are staring at us

[me: omg i miss you guys so much!]

-yeah i know us too <3

-we're listening to the song that was your ringtone and im like fuck me i miss you

-thats the way we get by

-fuck i want to tipsy text [this boy]

-that wouldnt be weird hi i'm tipsy. so i'm texting you. lalala

-ha fuck me no thats awkward

-fuck i'm going to regret this huh?

-i really like a guy not [abovementioned boy]

-sexy can i?

-boys ha. omg can i call and gossip?

-74 and a half hours or 4461 minutes

-i love automatic countdowns

-hey there fucking delilah. at work unescapable

-I.S. is now in a complicated relationship oh dear haha

[that was a boy i had been involved with, but i was so over it...sad]

-Iloveyou

-holy big black dildoes batman was that a coincidence

-i know. allie just texted me that and i was like omg ohmahfrickingaw

-aw. you're such a player

-i know fuck me

-idk. but im liking it. im liking me.

-Drinking Franzia boxed wine out of a red cup. with a straw. i am beyond class

-Holy. Flaming. Fucks. i'm coming to texas

-Cant figure out if its an unfortunate guy or a depressingly unfortunate girl. shoes say boy. purse says girl

-Hair girl. stubble boy. can't see chest

-Voice carried. its a boy. thankgod

-Wait no. boobs. what. the. fuck.

-this may be worse. no it is. so upset right now

-Shes trying to figure out whos dad he is

-Anyways i nyquild like an hour ago. its nippy naptime

-I think I'm like a puppy. excitable and easily pleased

-Just a thought I had. also. am cute and cuddly and want everyone to like me. also. loyal. i seriously am a puppy haha

-I think he just didn't get that i was offering to go over there and blow his brains out. via his dick. anyways. go continue hooking up with your boyfriend. sorry to interrupt

-Boy texted back. and didn't get my setup. If boys were triangles they'd be obtuse.

-our love is so radiant it makes everyone else look like lupita.

-Oh my life. this cant exist. i do not happen.

-monty has toned down his demands today because he hurts for my owies

-You are perfection personified and i will love you for millenia after our dying breaths

-his airport is titled icanhas1337reptar i love my future husband

-you know its really no fair. im so pretty with zero work. im fun and nice and smart and i cook and iron. im friends with someone just like me. i mean. it must suck to be anyone other than us

-i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. let's bang.

-i feel like we should never be apart

-have discovered recipe for being relaxed and happy and fun at work. oddly enough its the same recipe as a white russian.

-Is it weird that life seems less real and vibrant without you

-Also think my ex is hitting on me. dub tee eff

-Hahahaha. so true. i love you for always. ps how do people not automatically fall in love with me? im really fucking awesome

-Talking with everyone about how happy i am right now. great chat and then this girl tries to join in saying how awesome she is. awkward silence then subject change

-I love u and want u 2 know that no matter what the unicorns will find you. love caitlins mom.

-Iloveyoubeyondexpression

-One letter in the alphabet of our love's language

-Okay wtf. i am a super player lately. when did that happen?

-Okaz luv zou

-tu es m'eternite.

-Two wallposts ago. comics and blowjays

-I have an uncle freddy. he will fuck people up for me. he runs this town. he is a bad bone. and he buys me tequila and makes me sip it. i love tonight

[haha wtf is a bad bone?]

-Fuck if i know hes drunk

WPS:

-I miss you too!! :( we neeeed to hang out betsy

-bewbz

-balls

-hey you still at my house? boobs

-i just shrugged 100 lbs in each hand 8x

-thank you yes i know i'm ripped.

-how does muphins comin?

-wat?

-same broseph.

-ima use your ovaries as punching bags god damnit

-don't need to. ovaries will suffice.

-steroid man is here!

-Mhmm! dude i saw him get picked up by his mom two days ago lmao

-in his 20s cause he graduated in '04 or something

-Pfft. he's taking steroids i doubt he cares about gas

-i'm waiting to watch breakfast club with you

-i'd have to burn it but we can watch it if you want. i already watched it though. lol

-nah. but i did like it lol

-buuuut! we can watch bigger stronger faster?

-you lose.

-what happened?

-ahahahahahaha

-same broskie.

-you wanna come over tonight and watch eet wif me?

-find your phone plz kthx

-you here yet?

[me: light]

-what the fuck does light mean?

[me: i'm at one]

-oh ok

-hd the apple crinkle it was gewd

-hey hey hey hey!

-wow. then i'll just lay in bed till r by myself

-and by r i mean 3

-boobs

-sreeuslee though. if you get done call me

-:5

-mistype :D

-what the fuck did you say i am so confused!

-ohhhh i'm sorry i dont speak gay.

-<3

-hey guess what my dad thinks you are a lesbian because of the mills pics

-Let's say you're sleeping on the same couch as some one. And you put your leg across his boner. You can definitely feel that shit m i rite?

-Pretty hard lmao. and i had one for about 7 hours straight

CDS:

-WOOHW!! WHAT THE FUCK! GET OFF THE FUCKING RODE!!!

-A car full of asians just almost hit us

-it's been fuckin balls on the wall amazing!

-betsy, i'm really really guna miss my brother.

-i can't even fuckin look at him without breakin down

-=) well then baybe sobe other time, get some sleep if you don't feel well.

-Hey, wana come over to my house and fold clothes for me, I leave tomorrow for Minnesota =)

-betsy, i cannot tell you how many times i wanted to text you what i was thinking this week, but i never had my phone on me. this way. i can tell you all about it in person =)

-hellz yeah, come over later tonight though cause my little sister hasn't gotten any sleep as of late.

-so i found this site that lets you hack security cameras. i've been to china's airports and drug stores. some guy bought chips.

-hey your old person curse has been inflicted on me too. i was in hookies (a sandwich shop) and this 50-year-old lady comes in and gets RIGHT next to me.

-like she touched my shoulder, and then she was all, oh i thought you were my husband...and she looked me over. i feel violated.

-oh well, now CH and i have something to talk about =)

-i believe it will go something like this...Hey, you get hits from old guys, hahaha. i get them from old weird women!

-what are we doing tomorrow? we need to hang out, cause we are long overdue.

-can you bring your macbook over sometime?

[i thought it was a POS?]

-it is, but i need it =)

-love you betsy!! good night =)

-when are we going and whats going on?

-i'm fine, but today, i was hit by a fuckin car! its not like a car car, but it was beefier than a gokart, like an off rode thing.

-the lady who watches for druggies and skippers fuckin pinned me against a pillar after she floored it. i didnt see the pillar behind me, so when i went to go back up, it was too late.

-i jumped though, so i'm good =)

-whos great, betsys great!!! love you betsy, goodnight!!

-love you lots betsy! goodnight!!

-if i could rearrange the alphabet, it would look like I.L.O.V.E.U.!!

-it would be a small language, we would all have to know french too.

-we're making a purple soup, whip whip, whip whip. making a purple soup, shooby dooby do! purple tomatoes and purple potatoes and i want you!

-betsy is great, she's better than chocolate =)

-Dear Betsy!! I fuckin love you forever!!!

-Dear Betsy, I love you with all my heart!! That is all.

-Good morning Betsy!!! Have a wonderful day and go kick some ass!!! And I love you with all my heart!!

-I just thought you should know that I love you!! Betsy, without you in my life, I would be a very different person! I'm glad I met you!

-betsy!!! Good morning!! Did you eat breakfast??

-Dear Betsy, I love you with all my heart and soul!!!! Have a wonderful day!!

SS:

-Our past selves would be so surprised to hear that we only hang out as much as we do now given we both have cars and licenses

-Open mouths. Just like David when Bean pops out from behind the mirror

-haha [our uncle with Down's syndrome] is here. he first arrived w/o his bluejeans and got desperate. mine were laying on the floor and when we left him alone he put them on. now he just put on moms

-both times he just snuck them on. worst part for mom was that hers fit him well.

-mine were sitting out cause i had just unpacked from oregon. moms were in her room

-haha yeah i know its totally garfield humor. right on the dot. no haha mom was laughing at him with my jeans and same the second time. he just made noises.

-giggly noises.

RM:

-thank you betsy, I love you. G'night

-i like you cool!

-<3>

SCH:

-I am at panda express, and the cashier's name is betzahy...hahaha what a crazy way to spell your name!

AC:

-A night out in Ireland looks like a sea of disco balls. so unacceptable.

-Baby with aviators equals WANT

-It was totally holding the shades up with one hand all srsbsns

MAS:

-That is super exciting! do you have roommates

[One. but she is clean and loves to bake like me so i think we'll get along]

-She sounds hot

I am completely, utterly, and totally in love with:

-Adam Brody! (always and forever--seeing a photo of him still takes my breath away)

-Ash Stymest (british model. hiiiiiiii)

-Gaspard Ulliel (le sigh)

-Paul Rudd (probably my favorite of the apatow crew)

-Ryan Renolds (no explanation necessary)

-Pharell Williams (my favorite N.E.R.D.)

-Johnny Depp (at any age)

-Taylor Lautner (he's almost legal!)

-Seth Rogen (funny and sexy? not fair)

-Jude Law (they say he's a jerk...but look at those eyes)

-Conor Oberst (mmmm)

-Bret and Jemaine :D

-Joseph Gordon-Levitt (who rocks the rugged look equally as well as this clean-shaven bidness)

-Brad Pitt (cliché, but with good reason)

-Leonardo DiCaprio (see above)

-James Marsden (real life prince charming!)

-Ne-Yo (a respectful R&B singer with a smooth voice and even smoother dance moves. and lord knows i love a man who can dance)

-Jason Segel (awwwww)

-Rupert. Grint. (unff)

-James FrancOH

-Matthew McConaughey (everybody loves a good ol' texas boy!)

-Ewan MacGregor (charmingest accent on the planet)

-John Francis Daly (look at those dimples!)

-Justin Nozuka (ethnic ambiguity is so hot)

-Landon Pigg (i'll fall in love with him at a coffee shop any day. and i don't even like coffee)

-Matt Damon (mm-hmm)

-Paolo Nutini (not italian, though the name--and looks--would have you believe otherwise)

-Richard Gere (i've had a schoolgirl crush on him since "Pretty Woman")

-George Clooney (is any woman impervious to his charms?)

-Barack Obama (duh.)

-And, of course, my boyfriend:

awwwww.

the world according to me

Tuesday, February 2

Life Checklist

Friday, January 8

Why I love my friends.

Monday, December 14

Christmas 2009 Wishlist

Monday, December 7

Between Thanksgiving Dinner and Christmas Day...

Saturday, December 5

Guest Post!

Friday, November 13

cutest bonnie & clyde I've ever seen

Wednesday, October 14

Inspired by whytheyrehot.com

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