In case you have no idea who he is, first of all, shame on you! Secondly, I will explain: he was a comedian known for his witty one-liners and observational, non-sequitur humor. Never disrespectful towards any demographic and always modest to the point of self-deprecation, his jokes were enhanced by his unique style of delivery. For my own convenience, I have compiled what I consider to be a "best of," out of the jokes I can remember/think of/etc. I'll add more as they occur to me...maybe. you know how I do. Anyway, feel free to enjoy them with me!
(now read the rest of them with his intonation and inflection, and I promise, they'll all be 100x funnier):
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
A lollipop is a cross between hard candy...and garbage.
Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"
I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?
I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"
I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
I'm an ice sculptor. Last night, I made a cube.
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff. :(
That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared.
"Tom's gone!"
"Is he a magician?"
"No."
"Then let's print up some flyers!"
I want to get a vending machine, with fun-sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
This one guy said, "Look at that girl, she's got a nice ass." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
I bought a scratch-off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shit! I will not know if I have won!
I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated Jackpot 55 million dollars!" I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry."
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Gimme all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."
I was on a bus and it was the middle of the night. I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheeze. But it was the middle of the night so I could not see. I could not see how much Easy Cheeze I was applying to each cracker. So each bite into the cracker was a surprise as to how much Easy Cheeze had been applied, which makes me believe they should have a glow-in-the-dark Easy Cheeze. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark, too.
People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit.
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrene, party of two. Dufrene, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrene, party of two, Dufrene, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this--people are missing! You fuckers are selfish... the Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufrenes.
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member; I don't know how I get away with it.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun-sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
This one guy said, "Look at that girl, she's got a nice ass." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
I bought a scratch-off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shit! I will not know if I have won!
I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated Jackpot 55 million dollars!" I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry."
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Gimme all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."
I was on a bus and it was the middle of the night. I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheeze. But it was the middle of the night so I could not see. I could not see how much Easy Cheeze I was applying to each cracker. So each bite into the cracker was a surprise as to how much Easy Cheeze had been applied, which makes me believe they should have a glow-in-the-dark Easy Cheeze. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark, too.
People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit.
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrene, party of two. Dufrene, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrene, party of two, Dufrene, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this--people are missing! You fuckers are selfish... the Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufrenes.
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member; I don't know how I get away with it.
"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread."
"So do I."
"Lets form a club then."
"Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations."
"Yes we do."
"OK... instead of cutting it once, let's cut it again."
"Hell yeah, four triangles."
"And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips."
"Or potato salad."
"Ok."
"Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?"
"I'm for 'em!"
"Well then this club is formed. Spread the news on menus nationwide."
"I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts."
"Well you're not in the fucking club!"
When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."
I wear V-neck shirts. I can't wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day! If you wear a backpack and a turtleneck, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait."
If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
I wrote a letter to my Dad. I wanted to write, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm fucked. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.
Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?"
"So do I."
"Lets form a club then."
"Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations."
"Yes we do."
"OK... instead of cutting it once, let's cut it again."
"Hell yeah, four triangles."
"And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips."
"Or potato salad."
"Ok."
"Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?"
"I'm for 'em!"
"Well then this club is formed. Spread the news on menus nationwide."
"I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts."
"Well you're not in the fucking club!"
When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."
I wear V-neck shirts. I can't wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day! If you wear a backpack and a turtleneck, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait."
If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
I wrote a letter to my Dad. I wanted to write, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm fucked. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.
Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?"
"Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"
I was in downtown Boise Idaho and I saw a duck. I knew the duck was lost, because ducks aren't supposed to be downtown. There's nothing for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop. I said, "Let me have a bun." She wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said it had to have something on it. She said it's against Subway regulations to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't sposed to touch. So, I said, "All right, put some lettuce on it."
"That'll be $1.75."
I said, "It's for a duck!"
"Oh, then it's free." I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the steak fajita sub, and don't bother ringing it up - it's for a duck!" "There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!"
I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!" When I think of a duck's friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.
If you're an animal, you want to have a beaver as a friend, because they have some kick-ass houses. Lake side, my ass! Lake ON!
If a parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.
I was in downtown Boise Idaho and I saw a duck. I knew the duck was lost, because ducks aren't supposed to be downtown. There's nothing for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop. I said, "Let me have a bun." She wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said it had to have something on it. She said it's against Subway regulations to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't sposed to touch. So, I said, "All right, put some lettuce on it."
"That'll be $1.75."
I said, "It's for a duck!"
"Oh, then it's free." I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the steak fajita sub, and don't bother ringing it up - it's for a duck!" "There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!"
I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!" When I think of a duck's friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.
If you're an animal, you want to have a beaver as a friend, because they have some kick-ass houses. Lake side, my ass! Lake ON!
If a parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.
